who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake