who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
pizza
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”