who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.