Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird