Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
stop
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters