who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.