Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
You Might Also Like
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too