Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch