Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
You Might Also Like
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6