Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
*mops up wine with cat*
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
*cough*
