Who needs an Air Fryer?
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Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
$3 #books
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Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes