Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

they should create new variants of dopamine

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.