Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
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I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
