Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding