Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
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“FOUND ‘EM!”
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.