Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

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So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.


*Johnny Lawrence in the bedroom making passionate love to his woman, and sensei breaks down the door*


Johnny: Can’t you just leave me alone, and what does that even mean right now?!


(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one


Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.


14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’


If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?


i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly


I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life


I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.