Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

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1. Invite snowmen into your conference room.
2. Turn up heat.
3. Negotiate on YOUR terms.


*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!


you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.


4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?


*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™


People who say “life doesn’t come with a set of instructions” obviously haven’t heard of the Kama Sutra.


Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
M: And interviews.


(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?