Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work