Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
okay run it by me one more time
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo