Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Bruh 😂

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

So Hamburger help me, God

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves