Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

The second world war should have been called world war returns

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.