Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw