Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
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My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Chicago sounds lovely.
