Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

I got soap in my shower beer again.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.