Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
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Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can