Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
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My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”