Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.