Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
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Thinking about a snail with a limp
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
#milo
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”