Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
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Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
the last thing a carrot sees
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I鈥檓 done.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there鈥檚 leftovers so she doesn鈥檛 have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won鈥檛 believe this
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If this doesn鈥檛 sum up England nothing will 馃槀馃槀 #snow #weather #uk
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won鈥檛 be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won鈥檛 know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I am having an out of money experience.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Good morning, Twitter x
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won鈥檛 be in Paris.