Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

😍😂🥰😂😍

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’