Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.