Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.