Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Candles never taste the way they smell

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club