Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas