Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
The photographer’s assistant
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside