Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

dogs can find happiness so easily

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

dutch is not a serious language

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.