“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
2022: I can fix it
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Spa day..😅
Shoo shoo! 😂
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.