Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.