Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Cndnsd Mlk

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*