Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
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hackers play passwordle
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Me, in DM rooms…
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!