Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
💀🤣
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
“OMGJK” -atheists
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.