Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
You Might Also Like
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Cat is stressing him out.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Managing expectations
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath