Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I think they could have phrased this better
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.