Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

I’m not wrong

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.