Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

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the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it


Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…


*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh


My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.


Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.


10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”


My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out


Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.