Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug