@PLATINUM2000

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

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@TheHyyyype

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

@Marlebean

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

@Mr_Kapowski

*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh

@ADDiane

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

@Mainstream_Man

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

@shashaintl

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

@CrockettForReal

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

@kivtur

Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.