the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*runs into dental hygienist in store*
Me: How are you?
Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*
Me: Not so easy huh
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
*realises why I stay in.*
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.
ADHD is ADD in high definition.