Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”