Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I