Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights