Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
There are no pants in heaven.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.