Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.