Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”