Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.