Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons