Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
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*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.