Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
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Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
wut hotdog?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys