Who says great literature is dead?
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Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*