Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

My beach vacation Google searches

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day