Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way