Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”