Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates