Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.