*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.