When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Who says you can’t make someone love you?
I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”