Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

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If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?


Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”


The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.


Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?


If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.


RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust


Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.


explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone


20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives