@Ms_Moneypenny_

Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

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@DadandBuried

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

@jlock17

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

@heysarahsweeney

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

@ScottLinnen

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

@badbrain1367

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

@chuuew

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

@MarfSalvador

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

@TheBoydP

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…