@Ms_Moneypenny_

Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

You Might Also Like

@sliver_of

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

@Contwixt

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

@BMcCarthy32

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

@shashaintl

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

@Bob_Janke

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

@_SingleBabyMama

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

@CrockettForReal

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

@markleggett

I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”