@Ms_Moneypenny_

Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

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@fuzzlime

If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

@Mike_Bianchi

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

@panku_

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.

@BuckyIsotope

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@aardvarsk

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

@grievre

20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives