Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.