Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
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I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
The most accurate map ever devised.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Me, reading some of your tweets
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.