Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex