Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA