Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
You Might Also Like
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?