who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
