who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
