Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster