Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
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“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.