Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.