Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Worst Native American name ever.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
mathematically impossible
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined