Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I have never related to a cat more
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke