Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I WON A HAM TODAY
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.